Love, Relationships, Limerence & Affair Recovery

Money and relationships

April 11, 2021 David
Love, Relationships, Limerence & Affair Recovery
Money and relationships
Chapters
Love, Relationships, Limerence & Affair Recovery
Money and relationships
Apr 11, 2021
David

Money, despite what any of us want to believe about “love conquering all”, matters more than almost other issue in relationships.  According to one US survey, money is the number one issue married couples fight about.  In the UK, money disagreements are the second biggest cause of divorce, only a small way behind infidelity, according to a 2017 survey by Relate.

And yet, the same Relate survey, only one in ten couples has a discussion about money, before they commit to sharing a house, getting married or having children – indeed any step which signifies to them a committed relationship.

At LoveRelations, we see many couples in crisis point in their relationship, where money is the major cause of disagreement.  As  relationship psychotherapists, we find ourselves asking all too frequently: “Did you and your partner ever have a conversation about money?”, knowing that for many, this topic was easier to ignore in the early, exciting stages of a relationship.

Many relationships today begin when each partner has some financial “history”, both good and bad.  By this, we mean a salary, perhaps a property, savings and a pension, but also some debt, credit card bills, mortgage, child support from a previous relationship.  Furthermore, it’s rate that both partners earn the same or are even in a similar income rage.

At LoveRelations, we encourage each partner to be completely open with the other about income and about debt or fixed costs.  We notice how difficult this can be for couples to be completely frank about their individual finances.  One couple we have been working with recently each disclosed a large credit card debt which they had been hiding from the other.  For many partners, there is an enormous amount of shame attached to what they earn and what they might owe.

The second step we encourage at LoveRelations, is a frank discussion about attitudes towards money.  Many partners blithely assume that their over half shares their “save at least 10%” belief or their “what’s left over each month, is ours to enjoy” attitude.  And when these two different attitudes towards spending and saving occur, the scope for resentment is huge.

Money is so much more than currency.  It is an energetic form which we as human beings project love, security, esteem and worth on to.  Finding out what money means to our partner is a fundamental step in establishing the sort of relationship we want and need.

Show Notes

Money, despite what any of us want to believe about “love conquering all”, matters more than almost other issue in relationships.  According to one US survey, money is the number one issue married couples fight about.  In the UK, money disagreements are the second biggest cause of divorce, only a small way behind infidelity, according to a 2017 survey by Relate.

And yet, the same Relate survey, only one in ten couples has a discussion about money, before they commit to sharing a house, getting married or having children – indeed any step which signifies to them a committed relationship.

At LoveRelations, we see many couples in crisis point in their relationship, where money is the major cause of disagreement.  As  relationship psychotherapists, we find ourselves asking all too frequently: “Did you and your partner ever have a conversation about money?”, knowing that for many, this topic was easier to ignore in the early, exciting stages of a relationship.

Many relationships today begin when each partner has some financial “history”, both good and bad.  By this, we mean a salary, perhaps a property, savings and a pension, but also some debt, credit card bills, mortgage, child support from a previous relationship.  Furthermore, it’s rate that both partners earn the same or are even in a similar income rage.

At LoveRelations, we encourage each partner to be completely open with the other about income and about debt or fixed costs.  We notice how difficult this can be for couples to be completely frank about their individual finances.  One couple we have been working with recently each disclosed a large credit card debt which they had been hiding from the other.  For many partners, there is an enormous amount of shame attached to what they earn and what they might owe.

The second step we encourage at LoveRelations, is a frank discussion about attitudes towards money.  Many partners blithely assume that their over half shares their “save at least 10%” belief or their “what’s left over each month, is ours to enjoy” attitude.  And when these two different attitudes towards spending and saving occur, the scope for resentment is huge.

Money is so much more than currency.  It is an energetic form which we as human beings project love, security, esteem and worth on to.  Finding out what money means to our partner is a fundamental step in establishing the sort of relationship we want and need.